UGANDA - After Stan's departure from BSNews, I put out lots of want ads out, looking to hire a new journalist and partner for the site. I received many eligible applicants, but knew I would have to decide on just one of them. Among this list were the following:

Barbra Walters

Oprah

Britney Spears

George Bush Sr.

A monkey

Tony the Tiger (You know, from the cereal)

Darth Vader

Trojan Man

Bill Gates

Barbie

 

 

I interviewed each of them except Britney Spears (read the story, you'll know why). They each had their strong points:

 

Walters, Spears, and the monkey all attempted to have sex with me.(Well, Spears had before)

Oprah: Money

George Bush Sr.: He could have Clinton hook me up with some pot, which is always good.

Tony: Is very positive

Darth Vader: Actually a pretty cool guy when you get to know him.

Trojan Man: Makes me feel safe.

Bill Gates: Money (again)

Barbie: Didn't say anything annoying throughout whole interview.

 

I turned each of these down for various reasons though.

 

Walters: Attempted to have sex with me (Blech)

Oprah: Crack whore (Can't have anymore of those around here.)

Britney: Obvious reasons, if you've read the story. (I am married. Can't risk getting caught, ya know.)

Tony: Can't get over that damn cereal

Trojan Man: Horse got crap all over my carpet. (It's nice carpet...well, it was)

Bill Gates: Cannot mock him in the stories, as he is much smarter, more successful, and a lot richer than me.

Barbie: Didn't say anything throughout whole interview

monkey: Didn't have many good ideas, and reminded me of Stan, which was just too painful.

Darth Vader: Didn't threaten to eat me.

 

I decided on Salonia Dracul, a Norwegian Druid. Below is his Bio, sent to me by him.

 

Salonia Dracul is a a member of the cult, erm, um, I mean "ordership" of the Rizing Monkey. He is an active member and one of their highest ranking druids. As a druid he, of course, participates in S & M with trees, performs marriages between humans and other various animals, and eats the flesh of CEOs of polluting companies. He was born in the underground tunnels of Norway. He is married to a wolf named Harriet. They have 5 beautiful kids, 3 ugly ones, and somehow Harriet gave birth to a Gerbil. (He's not asking)

 

His qualifications were many, but the main reason I chose him was that I did not want to take the chance of getting eaten.

 

Salonia Dracul, BSNews' newest staff member.