Things That Should Be Banned From Public Schools
By: Stan Murdoc

  CALIFORNIA - As a man who has friends who know people who might have kids someday, I care a lot about the kids in school. I was in bed thinking about it, and I realized there are a lot of dangerous things in school that probably should be removed immediately. I compiled a list of these and the reason I think they should be removed/burned.

Pencils - These should be removed for many obvious reasons: (a) They have pointy ends which can be used to stab people, (b) if children eat them, they may get lead poisoning, and (c) they may be used to smuggle in small explosives, if the user has access to nano-technology, among many others. This may make school a bit harder, but it's worth it if it saves the life of one child. Pens should also be removed for the same reasons, plus the fact that the kids may start sniffing the ink to get high.

Paper - This one is also rather obvious. Paper-cuts are very serious, and often fatal, and we should stop them at all costs. 800,000* people die every year from paper-cuts and other paper related injuries. Another serious thing that paper can do is cause litter. Now, your argument may be that "people cause litter, not paper," but I am afraid that in this case, you are wrong. Paper has been known to throw itself out windows and doors, never to be found again. We should do what we can to stop this.

Chickens - Enough said.

Bathrooms - There are many bad things which have happened in bathrooms, and there are always germs floating in and out of there. Even though people may think bathrooms are very important, they do not realize the versatility of Tupper-ware.

Computers - Computers use great amounts of electricity, and if one small thing goes wrong, the user is shocked, and is usually mentally disabled for the rest of his/her life. They also can be used for immoral things, like pornographic images and web sites, bad jokes, and drawings of gerbils. There are many other reasons these should be banned, but I won't go into that now. Remember, just say NO to technology!

Sports - Sports should be removed because many children get injured or even killed playing sports. 800,000* people every year die playing sports. In some cases, students are forced to perform unmentionable things in the showers, scarring them for life.

Food - Food and other edible substances can lead to food fights, death by asphyxiation, or even worse, sex. (I'll leave it to you to figure out how that last thing would happen, but trust me, it does.)

Learning - There are many hazardous things that come with learning, such as thoughts of bad things, crime, and chickens, which I mentioned earlier. This should be completely removed from schools, if not banned everywhere, because it leads to all of the world's problems. 800,000* people die every year from learning.

Books - Books are very dangerous in the right hands, in more ways than one. Firstly, you can really smash someone's head with a book, possibly killing them. Also, books lead to learning, and, as I mentioned before, learning is malicious and evil. Books can also give deadly paper cuts, which I also mentioned before.

Genitalia - This is especially true for boys, because these parts can lead to very bad things, and should be removed from schools. There are thousands of rapes in schools every year, and this is the only answer to this problem.

People - People are the major cause of most incidents which lead to pain and/or death, and should also be removed from schools worldwide. I encourage you to keep your kids home from school, if for no other reason but to keep them from getting hurt by the many things I mentioned above.

I hope this message is read by the people who need to know, and if they care about children at all, they will take measures to get rid of these objects. Thank you.

Some of the objects I spoke about.
More examples of evil things.
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