Elves Gone Bad
By: Bob Smith
  NORTH POLE - We all know about the happy, jolly elves that work in Santa's workshop, but there is another side to the Elves that most people have no idea exists. A secret, not-so-nice North Pole is about to be exposed to the world.
Stan and I took our private plane up to the top of the world to get some info on retired elves, but were treated to a totally different aspect of elfish life. On the way to the Veteran Elf Home, we were mugged and beaten up by a group of elves who called themselves the "Mistletoes." When we arrived, we found the building burned to the ground with a number of swastikas and candy canes spray-painted on what little remained of the retirement home. That's when we realized we were in for quite a different story than we had planned.
We decided to go see the big guy at the top and see if we could get an interview, but it was not to be. We got split up when Stan accidentally missed our bus stop (long story), and I had to wait for him to come back. I figured it'd take a while for his bus to come all the way back to the stop, so I went to get a newspaper off the local vender.
On the way there, I was propositioned by a number of Pixies and even met an Elven pimp. I also saw many stores with the front window smashed in and everything stolen. I met a man who called himself "Da Grinch-man" who tried to get me to buy some "Extra Special Candy Canes." I of course turned him down and finally found the news stand.
In the "Elven Times," I found a number of stories about the "Mistletoes," and the rival gang, the "Candy Canes," which explained the candy canes on the remains of the Veteran Home. I also found one about Inflation in the Fruit Cake market, and one on the lack of good schooling for young elves.
I made my way back to the bus stop, and after waiting there for a long time, I decided to go to our hotel room and wait for Stan there. I caught the next bus and got off at the "Royal Pine" hotel. When I got into our mouse-infested room, I found Stan waiting for me there. I asked him what happened and he hesitated before saying "I don't want to talk about it..."
We never did get that interview with Santa, but we did encounter some more interesting things. We found a pixie strip bar and a dirty movie theater. We also encountered two more muggings, although we were broke anyhow, and a hit and run on an elf.
I also wanted to get Tina a gift, so we went into the first semi-nice looking store we could find. Inside, we found many things, most not appropriate for younger audiences. Among the various things we found elf porn, Playelf magazine, and even an elf dildo! Needless to say, we left quickly.
We managed to get to our plane and we flew out of there as quick as possible, never to return again. I saw these events as a cry for help from the elves living there, and I think someone should do everything they should to bring up the quality of life there. But I'm not gonna do it...I'd rather not go through that again.
On a sidenote, Stan was later diagnosed with a kind of venereal disease only found in Polar Bears.
A number of elves on strike in the North Pole