- NORTH POLE - We all know about the happy, jolly
elves that work in Santa's workshop, but there is another side
to the Elves that most people have no idea exists. A secret,
not-so-nice North Pole is about to be exposed to the world.
- Stan and I took our private plane up to the top of the world
to get some info on retired elves, but were treated to a totally
different aspect of elfish life. On the way to the Veteran Elf
Home, we were mugged and beaten up by a group of elves who called
themselves the "Mistletoes." When we arrived, we found
the building burned to the ground with a number of swastikas
and candy canes spray-painted on what little remained of the
retirement home. That's when we realized we were in for quite
a different story than we had planned.
- We decided to go see the big guy at the top and see if we
could get an interview, but it was not to be. We got split up
when Stan accidentally missed our bus stop (long story), and
I had to wait for him to come back. I figured it'd take a while
for his bus to come all the way back to the stop, so I went to
get a newspaper off the local vender.
- On the way there, I was propositioned by a number of Pixies
and even met an Elven pimp. I also saw many stores with the front
window smashed in and everything stolen. I met a man who called
himself "Da Grinch-man" who tried to get me to buy
some "Extra Special Candy Canes." I of course turned
him down and finally found the news stand.
- In the "Elven Times," I found a number of stories
about the "Mistletoes," and the rival gang, the "Candy
Canes," which explained the candy canes on the remains of
the Veteran Home. I also found one about Inflation in the Fruit
Cake market, and one on the lack of good schooling for young
- I made my way back to the bus stop, and after waiting there
for a long time, I decided to go to our hotel room and wait for
Stan there. I caught the next bus and got off at the "Royal
Pine" hotel. When I got into our mouse-infested room, I
found Stan waiting for me there. I asked him what happened and
he hesitated before saying "I don't want to talk about it..."
- We never did get that interview with Santa, but we did encounter
some more interesting things. We found a pixie strip bar and
a dirty movie theater. We also encountered two more muggings,
although we were broke anyhow, and a hit and run on an elf.
- I also wanted to get Tina a gift, so we went into the first
semi-nice looking store we could find. Inside, we found many
things, most not appropriate for younger audiences. Among the
various things we found elf porn, Playelf magazine, and even
an elf dildo! Needless to say, we left quickly.
- We managed to get to our plane and we flew out of there as
quick as possible, never to return again. I saw these events
as a cry for help from the elves living there, and I think someone
should do everything they should to bring up the quality of life
there. But I'm not gonna do it...I'd rather not go through that
- On a sidenote, Stan was later diagnosed with a kind of venereal
disease only found in Polar Bears.
- A number of elves on strike in
the North Pole