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7th ring of Hell (CNN) - Seeing as I'm stepping down as the ruler of hell for a while, (Satan needs vacations too, ya know), I needed someone to take the throne for a while. I found the perfect candidate for this, and decided to do an interview. I recorded it, and transcripted it exactly to this. Enjoy! Satan: Welcome, Larry. Take a seat! (Sizzling sound is heard as Larry King sits down) I had heated up Larry's chair before he came in. It was about 200º Farenheit, and rapidly increasing. Larry King: Hey, my good friend, how's it going? S: Pretty good, lots of people arriving here everday lately, makes for some good torturing. LK: Yeah, same for me up there. So, what did you want to talk to me about? S: Well, I'm going on vacation for a while, and I'm looking for someone to take my throne for a while. LK: And you want me to do that? S: Well, I want to interview you first, but you look pretty good for the job. I hope you don't mind if I record this? LK: Oh, not at all. S: Ok then, let's begin. Have you had any experience with this before? LK: Well, about 16 years on the show, (23 if you count the radio show) plus a lot of random beatings for small animals when I was a child. S: Great! Any big sins I should know about? LK: Well, there's the cloning labs, but I'm not sure if that counts as a sin... S:Well, tell me more about it, and I'll let you know. LK: Well, I've got these labs on an uncharted island in the Pacific...I clone people there for fun. I cloned myself a while ago...but I lost track of him. I've seen reports of a younger looking me having an affair with Michael Jackson, but I can't be sure. S: Most definitely a sin. Very nice one, I might add. LK: Thanks. S: Any others? LK: Well, there was this thing with an anvil, three gerbils, and a piano, but that's not much. S: Yeah, that was a nice one. LK: Thanks again. Of course, there's the brain washing. S: Brain washing? LK: Well, you know how I get all these hot chicks to date me? That's my secret hypnotism skill at work. S: Wow. How does it work? LK: Well, I just talk and talk until they go into a trance, and then I give them post-hypnotic suggestions. I got it from a book by Rush Limbaugh called My Experience In Evilness. S: Never heard of that one. LK: It's an underground book. Only talk show hosts can have it. S: Oh, ok. What is your position on drugs? LK: Every minute you're on tobacco is a minute wasted. S: Oh, really... LK: Yeah, you could be doing hard drugs instead! S: Very nice. I feel the same way about that too. At this point, Larry's clothes were on fire from the burning hot chair. Apparently he didn't notice. S: I've heard rumors that you funded the Harry Potter books. Is this true? LK: Yeah, but it kind of backfired on me. S: How so? LK: Well, I wanted the author to write me some satanic books for the kids. She published the books, and I found they weren't very satanic after all, and she had drawn kids away from the hidden messages on CNN. Not my best decision... S: Well, at least you made the effort, right? Anyway, thank you for your time. I'll be seeing you later. LK: That's it, you're just brushing me off? Just a "Thanks for your time????" Well, not today, buddy! Larry pulled out a shotgun here, and some muffled sounds can be heard on the tape. I'm not sure what happened, it went so fast, but I was up against a wall with a shotgun to my face. LK: I'm going to kill you and take over your throne! I bent the gun with my mind. LK: Umm...uh-oh. S: I was hoping you would do that! You've got the job! LK: ...What? S: Yep, all yours for a month. That was the most evil move you could've made, it's exactly what I would have done! LK: Wow, thanks, buddy! Sorry about the shotgun thing... S: Think nothing of it. Well, I think I'll start watching Larry King's show more often. Could have some interesting hidden messages. |
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