- RIVER STYX, HELL - Early Monday morning (January
30), I was notified that my good buddy, Satan, was found dead
in a "House of Ill Repute." (He was several millenia
old after all...) I was greatly disheartened by this news, and
immediately asked when the Reading of the Will was to begin.
I was told it was on Tuesday and the secret location of the reading.
- When I arrived there, I found that there were about 10 people
of various races, (As in Earthling and Underworldly.) and the
famous talk show host, Larry King. The various possessions of
Satan were willed to everyone but me and Larry. About 2 hours
into it, I was wondering why i was here, when I heard King's
and my own name being called by the will-reader.
- "When I perish, I wish for Stanley Murdoc, who was
like a son to me, and Larry King, one of the best replacements
I've ever had, to fight in mortal combat for my throne as Ruler
of the Underworld and Utah."
- I was in shock. He wanted ME to defeat Larry? "Well,
it can't hurt to try, right?", I thought to myself. "Well,
actually, one of us is going to die, so it really can hurt."
I added in my thoughts. I then realized that I was talking to
myself again and forced myself to stop. Anyway...
- "I have designated a special place in Hell for them
to fight, and they will both be transported there at the end
of this sen-" I realized that the reader's voice had stopped,
and I was not where I was about 3 seconds ago. I looked around.
The ground looked like Igneous rock and was glowing red just
a bit. There was a circular shaft of light coming from who-knows-where,
as I couldn't see anything above me other than darkness. My eyes
couldn't penetrate the deep blackness outside the dim circle
of light. The only other person there was the one and only Larry
- "Where the (expletive) are we?!?" King said. I
began to reply when a deep, booming voice came from nowhere.
"You two must now fight to the death to claim leadership
of hell." it said. "Well, I never thought I'd have
to do this, good buddy, but I gue-" I began to say when
Larry's fist slammed me in the jaw. So much for friendship.
- I backed up, and was about to get a good shot, when his
glasses reflected the light and temporarily blinded me. I attempted
to back up into the darkness, but when I did, I felt thousands
of small hands grab me and push me back in. "Great, that's
JUST what I need" I thought...
- Larry wrestled me to the ground, and started to punch me
in the face. I managed to get out from under him, when I noticed
Mini-Larry, his small clone. I staggered over to it, bleeding
profusely from my nose and mouth, and picked him up. I managed
to beat Larry nearly to death with him when we were transported
back to the Will-reading room.
- I touched my hand to my face and found that all my wounds
had healed, and Larry looked fine too. "Good job, Stan.
You have won, and can take over Hell, if you would like to."
said the reader. I was stunned for the second time that day.
"Me??" I thought. "Take over hell?? SWEET!"
I replied to him witha very eager yes when I realized that I
couldn't run hell AND co-write for BSNews, and knew I would have
to give up one. I decided I wasn't going to turn down the job
of a lifetime (or deathtime), so I broke the news to Bob.
- At first he was sad, but then he got down to business. "We've
gotta hire someone new." We put out lots of want-ads and
received many applications, but Bob is going to detail that in
the next story. So, farewell to all you devout readers of BSNews,
I won't forget you, and I hope you won't forget me either! Oh,
and I'm deliriously happy with my new job. I mean, where else
can I get Marilyn Monroe to (expletive) me?
- The late Satan