NEW YORK, HELL- As the newest member of our happy cast, I decided to do the biggest thing I could think of; interview Jesus. At about 3:00 PM, I brought Jesus down to my personal condo next to the Sea of Fire, and tied him up. Here is the conversation that ensued:
Satan: Today I'm here with Jesus, son of God, for an interview on looks, sex, morals, drugs, and alchohol. Only after 2 weeks of torture, we finally got Mr. Christ to talk. He was reluctant at first, but in good time, he broke down and spoke.
SA: How important are looks to you? Really?
Jesus: Well... I won't tell you.
SA: Whip Him!
JE: Okay, okay! Actually, to me looks are everything. Especially to impress the honeys. *Wink, Wink*
SA: Then why do you look the way you do? I mean, you look like trash. The cloth thing went out of style with the Romans. You look as if you were nailed to a cross or something!
JE: I was, you dip@$*%! You Mother -blank-ing assmu*ch!
SA: Burn him 'til he screams like a girl!
JE: AAAH! You'll burn in hell for this Lucifer!! Wait a minute... you already do. Please don't burn me anymore, I'll behave.
SA: Let him go, He's had enough. Bwahahahahahaha cough cough cough. Gotta quit smoking crack. What do you think about sex before marriage?
JE: I think it's great! I mean, I do it all the time, being a bachelor and all. But I don't want anyone else doing it. Ahh, what the hell, let them run wild and spread diseases! What do I care?
SA: How can a person say no to pre-marital sex, not like I care
SA: Oh, really? I thought you didn't like that?
JE: No. I do it at least 4-6 times a day! And the internet really helps my situation too!
SA: How can one fight the urge to masturbate?
JE: Two words: Pre-marital sex!
SA: Honesty is the best policy for you, right?
JE: F*!@ no! Lie every chance you get, especially about your Mistresses.
SA: What about drugs, what do you think of them?
JE: Depends on what you call drugs... If you're talking about Marijuana, I say, Bring on the magic herb! If you're talking 'bout crack, lets burn some rocks! I enjoy every drug, even Acid! After all, my father did produce them. I have a saying, "If at first you don't succeed, Grab a bong, and smoke some weed!"
SA: Do you drink?
JE: I love to get plastered. My favorite drink is Vodka. Especially straight.
SA: Yeah, Vodka's great. Anyway, do you have a website?
JE: Yup, I have two.
SA: What are they Smart*@#?
JE: One's a porn site, the other is Jesus.com. Check 'em out!
SA: I believe I will. What do you think of gory video games?
JE: Oh, god, they're the best entertainment, next to sex and staring at small metal objects.
SA: Can you give me your opinion on abortions?
JE: Hell, I say kill the Damned little buggers! They haven't lived yet, and they're not good for sex, so why not destroy them? Oh, yeah, and they're fun to look at.
SA: O.K... Well, we are out of time, so thanks for being here.
JE: Thanks for having me!
SA:Well after spending two weeks and five hrs. with him, I say Jesus isn't such a bad guy afterall.