7th ring of Hell (CNN) - Seeing as I'm stepping down as the ruler of hell for a while, (Satan needs vacations too, ya know), I needed someone to take the throne for a while. I found the perfect candidate for this, and decided to do an interview. I recorded it, and transcripted it exactly to this. Enjoy!
Satan: Welcome, Larry. Take a seat!
(Sizzling sound is heard as Larry King sits down)
I had heated up Larry's chair before he came in. It was about 200º Farenheit, and rapidly increasing.
Larry King: Hey, my good friend, how's it going?
S: Pretty good, lots of people arriving here everday lately, makes for some good torturing.
LK: Yeah, same for me up there. So, what did you want to talk to me about?
S: Well, I'm going on vacation for a while, and I'm looking for someone to take my throne for a while.
LK: And you want me to do that?
S: Well, I want to interview you first, but you look pretty good for the job. I hope you don't mind if I record this?
LK: Oh, not at all.
S: Ok then, let's begin. Have you had any experience with this before?
LK: Well, about 16 years on the show, (23 if you count the radio show) plus a lot of random beatings for small animals when I was a child.
S: Great! Any big sins I should know about?
LK: Well, there's the cloning labs, but I'm not sure if that counts as a sin...
S:Well, tell me more about it, and I'll let you know.
LK: Well, I've got these labs on an uncharted island in the Pacific...I clone people there for fun. I cloned myself a while ago...but I lost track of him. I've seen reports of a younger looking me having an affair with Michael Jackson, but I can't be sure.
S: Most definitely a sin. Very nice one, I might add.
S: Any others?
LK: Well, there was this thing with an anvil, three gerbils, and a piano, but that's not much.
S: Yeah, that was a nice one.
LK: Thanks again. Of course, there's the brain washing.
S: Brain washing?
LK: Well, you know how I get all these hot chicks to date me? That's my secret hypnotism skill at work.
S: Wow. How does it work?
LK: Well, I just talk and talk until they go into a trance, and then I give them post-hypnotic suggestions. I got it from a book by Rush Limbaugh called My Experience In Evilness.
S: Never heard of that one.
LK: It's an underground book. Only talk show hosts can have it.
S: Oh, ok. What is your position on drugs?
LK: Every minute you're on tobacco is a minute wasted.
S: Oh, really...
LK: Yeah, you could be doing hard drugs instead!
S: Very nice. I feel the same way about that too.
At this point, Larry's clothes were on fire from the burning hot chair. Apparently he didn't notice.
S: I've heard rumors that you funded the Harry Potter books. Is this true?
LK: Yeah, but it kind of backfired on me.
S: How so?
LK: Well, I wanted the author to write me some satanic books for the kids. She published the books, and I found they weren't very satanic after all, and she had drawn kids away from the hidden messages on CNN. Not my best decision...
S: Well, at least you made the effort, right? Anyway, thank you for your time. I'll be seeing you later.
LK: That's it, you're just brushing me off? Just a "Thanks for your time????" Well, not today, buddy!
Larry pulled out a shotgun here, and some muffled sounds can be heard on the tape. I'm not sure what happened, it went so fast, but I was up against a wall with a shotgun to my face.
LK: I'm going to kill you and take over your throne!
I bent the gun with my mind.
S: I was hoping you would do that! You've got the job!
S: Yep, all yours for a month. That was the most evil move you could've made, it's exactly what I would have done!
LK: Wow, thanks, buddy! Sorry about the shotgun thing...
S: Think nothing of it.
Well, I think I'll start watching Larry King's show more often. Could have some interesting hidden messages.