UGANDA - After Stan's
departure from BSNews, I put out lots of want ads out,
looking to hire a new journalist and partner for the site. I
received many eligible applicants, but knew I would have to decide
on just one of them. Among this list were the following:
- Barbra Walters
- Britney Spears
- George Bush Sr.
- A monkey
- Tony the Tiger (You know, from the cereal)
- Darth Vader
- Trojan Man
- Bill Gates
- I interviewed each of them except Britney
Spears (read the story, you'll know why). They each had
their strong points:
- Walters, Spears, and the monkey all attempted to have sex
with me.(Well, Spears had before)
- Oprah: Money
- George Bush Sr.: He could have Clinton hook me up with some
pot, which is always good.
- Tony: Is very positive
- Darth Vader: Actually a pretty cool guy when you get to know
- Trojan Man: Makes me feel safe.
- Bill Gates: Money (again)
- Barbie: Didn't say anything annoying throughout whole interview.
- I turned each of these down for various reasons though.
- Walters: Attempted to have sex with me (Blech)
- Oprah: Crack whore (Can't have anymore of those around here.)
- Britney: Obvious reasons, if you've read the story. (I am
married. Can't risk getting caught, ya know.)
- Tony: Can't get over that damn cereal
- Trojan Man: Horse got crap all over my carpet. (It's nice
carpet...well, it was)
- Bill Gates: Cannot mock him in the stories, as he is much
smarter, more successful, and a lot richer than me.
- Barbie: Didn't say anything throughout whole interview
- monkey: Didn't have many good ideas, and reminded me of Stan,
which was just too painful.
- Darth Vader: Didn't threaten to eat me.
- I decided on Salonia Dracul, a Norwegian Druid. Below is
his Bio, sent to me by him.
- Salonia Dracul is a a member of the cult, erm, um, I mean
"ordership" of the Rizing Monkey. He is an active member
and one of their highest ranking druids. As a druid he, of course,
participates in S & M with trees, performs marriages between
humans and other various animals, and eats the flesh of CEOs
of polluting companies. He was born in the underground tunnels
of Norway. He is married to a wolf named Harriet. They have 5
beautiful kids, 3 ugly ones, and somehow Harriet gave birth to
a Gerbil. (He's not asking)
- His qualifications were many, but the main reason I chose
him was that I did not want to take the chance of getting eaten.
- Salonia Dracul, BSNews' newest