- PHOENIX, AZ - While I was surfing the internet,
I found a site on a new drug craze appearing in Arizona, and,
since I'm so into drugs...ermm...drug stories, I mean, I decided
I would go check it out. What I found shocked, horrified, stunned,
(etc) me! Everywhere, kids were high on this substance, wandering
around, stoned out of their minds. Here are my shocking, horrifying,
stunning (etc) conclusions that I've come to by use of hidden
cameras and personal experience.
- This new drug, called "burritos," is a deadly substance,
as I've come to find out. In fact, I recently found myself, after
a 5 day burrito trip, in a dumpster licking old egg cartons.
This is what inspired me to do this story, from an inside perspective.
I met with several drug dealers, junkies, and hobos who saw me
in the dumpster and got exclusive interviews with them about
the dangers of burritos.
- My first visit was to a local highschool, where I had traced
back some of the hobo's drug connections. There, I found shocking,
horrifying, stunning (etc) occurences. People were in class eating
burritos, burrito wrappers were everywhere, burritos were being
sold in the cafeteria, and there were at least 48 frogs on the
ceiling! (I may have still been high from the burritos though...we'll
never know.) I snuck into the girl's and boy's bathrooms, and
put a few hidden cameras to see what I could find.
- What I found shocked, horrifed, (you know the drill) me.
Even more burritos were being ingested in there! I decided to
get the real facts on burritos, so I went to a real burrito expert.
He didn't want us to use his real name (Cough mikewinfield Cough),
so we'll just call him Johnny Burrito.
- "Well, we're not quite sure as of yet, but the burritos
in Arizona seem to have a special, addictive property to them,"
Johnny told me. "This is the only place we've seen it, and
it's really quite puzzling." I asked him if the burritos
had any side effects. "All burritos have trace amounts of
hallucinogenic substances in them, but since these are being
eaten in such large amounts, the effect is magnified greatly."
I also asked if there is more than one way to take a burrito.
"They can, of course, be eaten, but some who want a quicker
high sometimes put them in a blender and shoot them up, I've
seen people smoking it too, and a few even take it as a suppository."
- Experts may be good for information, but what I really wanted
was some on the street knowledge. I poked around, and found an
elite burrito ring called "Taco Bell." There, I found
that they were selling burritos for exceedingly high prices,
but were using their "taco" business as a front. I
found a man there willing to give an interview.
- "I've been selling tacos and burritos for a few years
now, but lately, the business has really picked up," said
the anonymous teenager. "Some people are buying burritos,
but not tacos, for some reason, by the boatload. Sometimes quite
literally. This one guy bought EVERY single burrito in the store."
I asked him if he got good money from his drug ring. "Drug
ring? I'm not sure what drug ring you're talkin' about, but I
get minimum wage here. $5.15 an hour." Of course, I knew
he was lying, but I didn't want to get myself shot over a few
burritos, so I left.
- In conclusion, I have found that burritos are a very addictive
substance (in Arizona) and should be completely outlawed everywhere
so there can be gang fights and robberies so people can get their
burrito fix. I also have learned one more thing from my trip
(heh) to Arizona: Weebles may wobble and not fall down, but don't
stick one up your butt.
- Addictive Substances