Hidden Cameras Find Corruption in Our Schools
By: Stan Murdoc
  PHOENIX, AZ - While I was surfing the internet, I found a site on a new drug craze appearing in Arizona, and, since I'm so into drugs...ermm...drug stories, I mean, I decided I would go check it out. What I found shocked, horrified, stunned, (etc) me! Everywhere, kids were high on this substance, wandering around, stoned out of their minds. Here are my shocking, horrifying, stunning (etc) conclusions that I've come to by use of hidden cameras and personal experience.
This new drug, called "burritos," is a deadly substance, as I've come to find out. In fact, I recently found myself, after a 5 day burrito trip, in a dumpster licking old egg cartons. This is what inspired me to do this story, from an inside perspective. I met with several drug dealers, junkies, and hobos who saw me in the dumpster and got exclusive interviews with them about the dangers of burritos.
My first visit was to a local highschool, where I had traced back some of the hobo's drug connections. There, I found shocking, horrifying, stunning (etc) occurences. People were in class eating burritos, burrito wrappers were everywhere, burritos were being sold in the cafeteria, and there were at least 48 frogs on the ceiling! (I may have still been high from the burritos though...we'll never know.) I snuck into the girl's and boy's bathrooms, and put a few hidden cameras to see what I could find.
What I found shocked, horrifed, (you know the drill) me. Even more burritos were being ingested in there! I decided to get the real facts on burritos, so I went to a real burrito expert. He didn't want us to use his real name (Cough mikewinfield Cough), so we'll just call him Johnny Burrito.
"Well, we're not quite sure as of yet, but the burritos in Arizona seem to have a special, addictive property to them," Johnny told me. "This is the only place we've seen it, and it's really quite puzzling." I asked him if the burritos had any side effects. "All burritos have trace amounts of hallucinogenic substances in them, but since these are being eaten in such large amounts, the effect is magnified greatly." I also asked if there is more than one way to take a burrito. "They can, of course, be eaten, but some who want a quicker high sometimes put them in a blender and shoot them up, I've seen people smoking it too, and a few even take it as a suppository."
Experts may be good for information, but what I really wanted was some on the street knowledge. I poked around, and found an elite burrito ring called "Taco Bell." There, I found that they were selling burritos for exceedingly high prices, but were using their "taco" business as a front. I found a man there willing to give an interview.
"I've been selling tacos and burritos for a few years now, but lately, the business has really picked up," said the anonymous teenager. "Some people are buying burritos, but not tacos, for some reason, by the boatload. Sometimes quite literally. This one guy bought EVERY single burrito in the store." I asked him if he got good money from his drug ring. "Drug ring? I'm not sure what drug ring you're talkin' about, but I get minimum wage here. $5.15 an hour." Of course, I knew he was lying, but I didn't want to get myself shot over a few burritos, so I left.
In conclusion, I have found that burritos are a very addictive substance (in Arizona) and should be completely outlawed everywhere so there can be gang fights and robberies so people can get their burrito fix. I also have learned one more thing from my trip (heh) to Arizona: Weebles may wobble and not fall down, but don't stick one up your butt.
Addictive Substances